By Rabbi Abraham Unger, Ph.D.
Executive Director
This Week’s Torah Portion
The Nature of Our Return
The Mesorah, our tradition, asserts that there are two types of teshuva/repentance. One is teshuva me-ahava, return to G-d from love, and the other is teshuva me-yira, return to G-d from awe. Repentance out of love is considered preferable, because the desire to be a better person seems more genuine than fear of punishment by an awesome G-d. But, perhaps there is a way to combine these two polarities into one seamless sensibility that can define the nature of our return to both the Divine and our best selves during this High Holy Day period of reflection, culminating in this Shabbat Shuva, the Sabbath of repentance, and Yom Kippur just afterward.
One can be earnestly infatuated with G-d and His Creation, while still feeling a sense of wonder – even fear – at the majesty of it all. In fact, I dare say, the Hakarat HaTov, the gratitude incumbent upon us all every minute, inspires both emotions: love and trembling. How fortunate we are to have the opportunity to experience this world! Simply put, the least we can do is make the best of each moment.
Rabbi Mayer Twersky of Yeshiva University reminds us that Rambam’s use of the phrase “darkhei teshuva“, paths of return, suggests that being alive means “a permanent lifestyle of teshuva (return).” A fast day, such as Yom Kippur, only highlights this approach to living. But, we should always be devoted to “enduring change.”
We are supposed to identify changes we can make in our character and conduct all the time. Yom Kippur just sets us on the annual road to a life better lived.
Weekly Parenting Message from the Parsha
Teaching Change
Change is hard. It’s even harder to change ourselves, but Judaism believes that’s the point of being human. Our purpose is to continuously evolve. That’s why there’s a High Holiday period on the calendar. It’s there so that we reserve the necessary time to reflect and replenish our spirits for personal growth. But, if change is difficult enough for us as adults, how can we infuse this idea of continuous self-improvement into our children? How do we teach them to truly be open to their own faults, and do the work needed to become their best selves?
Research finds that children are much more open to new ways of being than adults are. A psychology journal reports that “as our knowledge grows, we become less open to new ideas… younger minds and brains are intrinsically more flexible and exploratory.” Adults develop inhibitions and fixed ways of doing things based on knowledge and behavioral patterns they accumulated. Children are still souls in formation, and are receptive to their own malleability.
Jewish tradition tells us to engage in teshuvah/return during these days of reflection between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. We resolve to revise our conduct. If we discuss this idea, and even our own flaws, with our children, it is not an admission of parental weakness. In fact, it’s just the opposite. We are modeling lives based on constant growth, and telling our children it’s okay, and even admirable, to do the same.
Our daughters and sons absorb our every move. Our words and actions leave lifelong imprints on them. It may be easier for children to remain open to change, but we have to show them the way first.