Rabbi’s Parenting Message — August 22, 2025
The Choice is Yours
Rashi, the most prominent commentary on the Torah, interprets that as really meaning, “The blessing is given on condition that you understand.” Children need to know that each action they choose to take has a result. Indeed, actions have consequences.
We do not expect our children to make their own choices until they are old enough to understand this idea, but it is our job as parents to let them know that what they do has an impact. In offering this guidance, the Torah is also teaching us to talk through this idea with our children. Discuss with them what it means to always grow in how we reflect on our choices, both before and after we make them. In this way, we learn with our children, while never forgetting that every second we spend with them is a teaching moment.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — August 15, 2025
Loving Consequences
“You shall know in your heart, that just as a man chastises his son, so does the Lord, your God, chastise you.” (Deuteronomy 8:5)
What does it mean to know something in your heart? That is the question asked by this week’s Shabbat Torah reading. For example, there are many people that know smoking is unhealthy but continue smoking because this knowledge is not deeply internalized in their hearts. The knowledge is external but does not impact the person and their behavior. The Torah teaches us that the knowledge “just as a man chastises his son, so does the Lord, your God, chastise you” is so important that it should be deeply internalized in our personality structures. It is therefore important that we understand the meaning of this verse.
A parent may rebuke their child for negative behavior with uncomfortable consequences out of love, for the ultimate good of the child. The Torah wants us to deeply internalize that when God chastises us it stems from His love for us, and His desire for our own betterment.
God reminds us that He reprimands us out of love, for our good, ensuring that we do not misinterpret our difficulties as stemming from rejection or spite. We, as parents, need to similarly remind our children and encourage them to internalize that the consequences we may give them for negative behaviors result from our love and desire for their ultimate good.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — August 8, 2025
A Unique Parenting Ingredient
Our Sages teach us that Moses prayed to God to allow him to enter the Land of Israel five hundred and fifteen times, yet Moses did not reach the Holy Land. That is referenced in this Shabbat’s Torah reading.
As Jews we believe in the power of prayer, no matter how things may work out. The reminder of a wisdom greater than our own is significant in and of itself, and why we pray.
Our sages teach us that while we must put in our best efforts, the success and failures of our endeavors are in God’s hands. We therefore still pray for success in all our endeavors, and especially for the results that we may feel are vitally important for us.
The development of our children into good, productive members of the Jewish People and general society is our most important and sanctified mission. As believing Jews we follow our best efforts to educate our children with sincere prayers for their success in overcoming life’s many challenges and obstacles.
We learn from Moses, our teacher, that these heartfelt prayers for their success should be constant and ongoing throughout the challenges life will bring. May God bless our efforts in educating the next generation of Jewish children.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — August 1, 2025
Rebuking Our Children?
The Oxford Dictionary definition of rebuke is to “express sharp disapproval or criticism of somebody because of their behavior or actions.” The Cambridge Dictionary definition of rebuke is “to speak angrily to someone because you disapprove of what they have said or done.” These definitions imply sharp. harsh, and even angry words of criticism and disapproval. Is rebuking our children and others for their wrongdoings in this way something that Judaism promotes?
The Hebrew word for rebuke is Tocheicha (תוכחה) . Our rabbi’s teach us that the root of this Hebrew word means ‘to prove/demonstrate something to be true.’ According to the Torah definition, rebuke does not have to be angry or harsh. When our children behave improperly, it is our responsibility according to the Torah’s definition of rebuke, to demonstrate to them that their conduct is negative, and to educate and encourage them not to repeat this negative behavior.
Rebuke must come from a place of love, and a true desire for the betterment of others. The purpose is education and not anger or sharp words. In many circumstances a soft approach is sufficient to explain why a particular behavior is wrong and should not be repeated. The focus should be more on the action than on the person, and our motivation as parents must always be to build and uplift.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — July 25, 2025
Getting One’s Priorities Straight
In this Shabbat’s Torah portion, the tribes of Gad and Reuven saw that the land east of the Jordan River was perfect grazing land for their numerous livestock. They asked Moses if they could settle that land. In their approach to Moses, they state: “We will build sheepfolds for our livestock here and cities for our children,” and they agree to help the Jewish people conquer the land before returning to their families residing east of the Jordan River. Moses responds: “So build yourselves cities for your children and enclosures for your sheep, and what has proceeded from your mouth you shall do.”
Note that the tribes of Gad and Reuven mention providing for their livestock before their children. Moses changes the order and speaks of them making provisions for their children before making provisions for their livestock. Rashi points out that Moses deliberately switches the order and effectively communicates to them: You were more concerned for your estate than you were for your children. Your priorities are incorrect. Your first priorities should be your family and not your livestock!
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — July 18, 2025
What They See Matters
In this week’s Torah portion named for Pinchas, Aaron the high priest’s grandson, Pinchas is praised for carrying out justice for the honor of God. God then rewards Pinchas with a covenant of peace. It is very strange that the reward for a militant act of heroism should be a covenant of peace. The Netziv, a great 19th century Rabbinic scholar, answers this question with a principle that is an important contemporary parenting message. He explains that everything one is exposed to changes a person. Pinchas performed a Mitzvah, but because it was a violent act, it affected his sensitivity towards others and left him internally damaged. God’s reward of peace was the restoration of Pinchas’ internal peace, and a return of his sensitivity toward others. As parents it is important that we keep in mind that what our children see and are exposed to influences their sensitivity towards others, and in turn their own inner peace.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — July 11, 2025
Beautiful Tents
Upon entering the Synagogue in the morning there is a custom to say the verse “How goodly are your tents, O Jacob, your dwelling places, O Israel!” (Numbers 24:5) This verse is the praise and blessing that Bilam, a non-Jewish prophet cited in this week’s Torah portion, gave the Jewish people. What is it about the tents of the Jewish people that Bilam found to be so good? Rashi, an 11th century scholar, explains that Bilam saw that the openings of the tents in which the Jews dwelled did not face one another. He saw that each family was modest, desired their own privacy, and respected the privacy of others. Sforno, a later 6th century scholar, suggests that the beautiful tents that Bilam was referring to are the house of Torah study (Batei Midrash).
Both of these interpretations represent two core Jewish values that we as parents are charged to pass on to our children. We are to educate our children to understand that our homes are sanctified, and as such demand modesty and privacy. Similarly, the modesty and privacy of the sanctified homes of others must also be respected. The centrality of Torah study and modesty in our homes and in our lives are core Jewish values to pass on to our children.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — July 4, 2025
Setbacks
“They journeyed from Mount Hor by way of the Red Sea to circle the land of Edom, and the people became disheartened with the journey. The people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in this desert, for there is no bread and no water, and we are disgusted with this rotten bread.” (Numbers 21: 4-6)
The classic Torah commentator Rashi explains that after being very close to entering the Land of Israel the nation was forced to backtrack. The setback led them to fear that perhaps they were going to have to spend many more years in the desert before entering the promised land. They therefore became impatient, and spoke negatively of the manna and water that God had provided them in the desert.
However, if the nation would have been told in advance that they would experience a setback in their journey, and that the setback would be temporary in nature, they would not have rebelled. We need to model ourselves and educate our children to know that any worthwhile journey and goal will have setbacks and challenges, and to expect setbacks, but embrace them with a positive attitude, and to avoid becoming unnecessarily disheartened. Modeling resilience will fill our children with the patience and endurance to be successful in their life journeys.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — June 27, 2025
Jealousy and Motivation
In this week’s Shabbat Torah portion, Moses’ first cousin Korach tries to take over leadership of the Jewish people due to his jealousy of Moses’ role. After all, both came from a prominent family in the Children of Israel. Jealousy drove Korach and his henchmen to a tragic end. Korach could have been great in his own right. He himself was already highly regarded as a representative of the Israelites, and his descendants were extraordinary figures later in Biblical history.
Jealousy is a complicated feeling. It starts with a fundamental desire to have something someone else has, but it festers through insecurity. There is nothing wrong with seeing something one believes is worth acquiring. Ambition can be a healthy motive to accomplish a personal or professional goal. But, when it becomes wrapped up with insecurity and anxiety it loses its positive power to motivate. The key is to ask oneself, “How can I achieve that?”, and that journey begins with knowing oneself, one’s strengths, one’s weaknesses, and clarifying one’s own possibilities as a human being creating his or her map of life.
Judaism teaches that indeed, we should strive to accomplish our goals. We are each made in the divine image with a unique talent we are meant to develop. As parents, our purpose is to motivate our children to express and pursue that talent. When our daughters and sons see something they want, we ask them how they will work for it. We redirect the energy that might fester in jealousy towards healthy pursuit of goals. We lead by example, never falling into the trap Korach did, but by asking how too can I be a leader in my way? How can I realize the vision G-d has for me in this world? There is no more rewarding a purpose for a parent or child than seeing that vision through.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — June 13, 2025
Attitude is Everything
Moses sent twelve spies into the Land of Israel. They all witnessed the same terrain and the same people inhabiting the land. Yet, ten of the spies returned with a negative, depressing report, and two (Yehoshua and Kalev) returned with a positive, upbeat report. The difference is one of beliefs and attitude. Yehoshua and Kalev trusted God and were filled with optimism, which led them to interpret what they were viewing in a positive light. The other spies had other agendas and therefore interpreted the same phenomenon negatively.
Two people can look at the same circumstances. One sees opportunity, and the other sees disaster. As parents we need to teach and model for our children how to find the silver linings in situations, and to make sweet lemonade out of sour lemons. That way our children will become resilient, positive, and productive people.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — June 6, 2025
Absorbing Blessing
The Torah commands the Kohanim (priests) to bless the Jewish people using a particular formula. The last of the three priestly blessings is “May the Lord raise His countenance toward you and grant you peace” (Bamidbar/Numbers 6:26). The last blessing of the silent Amidah (Shmoneh Esrei) also concludes “Blessed are you God who blesses His nation Israel with peace.” Similarly, the Kaddish ends “The One who makes peace on High, He shall make peace rest upon us, and upon all Israel.” Why do we always conclude with a prayer for peace? Our sages answer that “The only vessel fitting to receive blessing is peace.” Our sages are teaching us that without peace, all other blessings are rendered meaningless. One can have all the external blessings in the world, but if one does not have peace of mind, one cannot enjoy and appreciate one’s blessings.
As parents we can give our children every advantage, opportunity, and physical blessing, but if they do not have inner peace they will not reap the tremendous benefits of these blessings. A large part of educating our children involves cultivating an environment, and giving them the tools, to create inner peace of mind, and thereby to appreciate their blessings.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — May 30, 2025
The Most Important Character Trait
This week’s parsha of Bamidbar, meaning “in the desert”, generally falls before the holiday of Shavuot, the holiday on which we celebrate the giving of the Torah. Our sages point out that one of the reasons that God particularly chose to give the Torah in the terrain of a desert was to teach us that if one is humble, like the desert sands upon which all may wander, then one becomes fit to receive the Torah.
The Torah’s true wisdom flows towards the humble. Arrogance not only precludes a person from truly receiving the Torah, but is also considered to be an extremely negative character trait. Maimonides points out that while most character traits are good when present in a balanced way, even a small amount of arrogance should be avoided.
As parents we are responsible for overseeing not only the knowledge our children acquire, but also their character development. From the Torah’s perspective, training our children to be humble is an educational imperative. We thereby shape our children’s character to receive the holy Torah.
Shabbat Shalom and Happy Shavuot.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — May 23, 2025
Education’s Goal
One of the daily Mitzvot when we have a Temple (Beit Hamikdash) is for the priests (kohanim) to light the Menorah. The Torah commands “When you elevate the lamps (oil), the seven lamps shall cast their light toward the face of the menorah.” (Numbers 8:2)
The classic Torah commentator Rashi wonders why the torah uses the term elevate, as opposed to the term light when referencing the lamps at the start of the verse. He answers that the Mitzvah is to light the wicks so that they are strong enough to sustain themselves on their own. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein explains that the key to the purpose and goal of education is alluded to in this explanation by Rashi. The light of the Menorah symbolizes spiritual wisdom.
Lighting the oil wick represents spreading the wisdom to another, or in other words, education. Just as one must ensure that the oil wick contains enough light to sustain itself, so too one must ensure that a child receives sufficient educational wisdom to become independent and self-sufficient. Keeping the end in mind, it is important for us to remember that the goal of education is to help our children thrive independently.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — May 16, 2025
Digital Detox
I typed the following into my google search bar “day free of electronics.” Here is the AI result: “A day free of electronics,” or digital detox, is a period of time where individuals consciously choose to abstain from using electronic devices and technology. This can be a 24-hour period, a longer timeframe, or even just specific periods of time like during meals or at bedtime.
AI then lists the following benefits among others: reduced stress, increased focus and productivity, enhanced relationships, improved sleep, and increased awareness of technology’s influence.
Having the entire world in the palm of our hands (e.g. smartphones) is an amazing technological feat and a blessing in many ways. However, the challenges are great and can potentially be very detrimental to us and to our children. The importance of monitoring ourselves and our children in this regard is of the utmost importance.
In this week’s Torah portion the Torah refers to Shabbat as a holy convocation and commands us to refrain from certain creative activities, called melacha, on Shabbat. 3337 years ago, the Torah gave us a Digital Detox day, a day to refocus our lives and enhance our relationships without the distraction of worldly pursuits. It is a day to refocus ourselves and our children on the truly important things in life: values, family, and spiritual connection.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — May 9, 2025
Motivating Good Choices
Rashi quotes a Midrash at the beginning of this week’s Torah portion “Rabbi Elazar Ben Azaryah gives the following parable: a patient, whom a doctor came to visit. The doctor said to him, “Do not eat cold foods, and do not lie down in a cold, damp place.” Then, another doctor visited him, and advised him, “Do not eat cold foods or lie down in a cold, damp place, so that you will not die the way so-and-so died.” This one motivated the patient more than the first doctor.
As parents we want to increase our children’s motivation to make good, moral, and healthy choices, and decrease their motivation to make negative, immoral, and unhealthy choices. The parable of Rabbi Elazar Ben Azaryah expresses the role of clearly understanding the consequences of our actions as a major motivating factor of our behavioral choices. Our role therefore as parents is to clearly and continuously articulate the value and consequences of the choices that lie before our children. This reinforcement will motivate the child to continue in the path of positive life choices.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — May 2, 2025
The Power of “I don’t know”
Our sages learn from a verse in this week’s Torah portion, Tazria-Metzorah, that one should learn to say, “I don’t know.” Teaching our children to say “I don’t know” is such an important part of their education. Our children, and we as parents, need to be taught that admitting not knowing something is not a sign of incompetence, and certainly does not detract from anyone’s essential value. Our sages encourage us to learn to say “I don’t know” because saying “I don’t know” unashamedly is in fact a strength. It shows honesty, humility, and fosters both seeking true knowledge and an unthreatening environment for collaboration and learning. As parents we need to ensure that we do not make our children feel less special when they say “I don’t know.” It is important that we also sometimes say “I don’t know”, truthfully and unashamedly, and thereby teach our children the great value, strength, and learning opportunities that open up when we give voice to our own humanity.
Rabbi’s Parenting Message — April 25, 2025
The Torah explains how to identify a kosher animal – an animal that has a true split hoof and is a ruminant (chews its cud). A pig has a true split hoof but does not chew its cud and is therefore not a kosher animal. Why then did the Torah find it necessary to specifically mention that the pig is not kosher if it already doesn’t meet the original criteria? The Talmud states that the pig was singled out because it is the only animal that exists with split hooves that does not chew its cud. Every other animal with split hooves also chews the cud. Since Moses and our sages were obviously not modern zoologists, it is truly remarkable that no exceptions have been found.
Our sages point out that the pig represents a particularly objectionable idea: appearing kosher (righteous) on the outside and being unkosher (corrupt) on the inside. This relates directly to how we role model ourselves as mothers and fathers for our children. Our children learn far more from what we do than from what we say. Children are experts in discovering the contradictions between our words and our actions. None of us are perfect and therefore our actions may on occasion be inconsistent with our values. When our children point this out to us, this is itself an amazing educational opportunity. Rather than make excuses, we should be honest, admit the inconsistency, and commit to improvement. Our job as parents is to perfect ourselves by ironing out our own inconsistencies, and thereby truly model the values we want to pass on to our children. Our children will thereby understand that their parents are human and are always on an upwards trajectory of growth. What better lesson could we transmit?
Shabbat Shalom
Passover Parenting Message — April 18, 2025
Passover is the Biblical holiday most focused on the education of our children. Part and parcel of the education of a child from a Jewish perspective is giving the child the context of his or her own life. The Passover experience instills a foundational understanding of the history of the Jewish people in a child. It also reinforces a sense of pride at being the next link in the chain of the Jewish people. Finally, it brings home the message that indeed, G-d hears our prayers, delivered us from bondage in Egypt, and is with us in every generation. While this process begins on Passover, this vital education is ongoing in the development of the identity of every Jewish child.
Passover Parenting Message — April 11, 2025
Why do we call the text used at the Seder, the Haggadah? The word Haggadah means to tell, or communicate, information. The reason we use this word for communication to describe the text we use at the Seder is because the Torah commands us “And you shall tell your child on that day saying: For this God redeemed us from the land of Egypt.” (Exodus 13:8) In the text of the Haggadah there is a well known passage “The Torah speaks concerning four children, one is wise, one is simple, one is wicked, and one does not know how to ask.” This passage contains within it perhaps the most important parenting message. Every child is unique and requires a different educational approach. Every child’s strength, weakness, questions, and perspectives must be carefully understood. Once this has been accomplished one can then effectively educate and help the child to grow to their fullest potential, and communication is at the core of that journey in teaching each child. As King Solomon advises in his Book of Proverbs, the Torah’s path is to educate each child according to his or her way (Proverbs 22:6).
Chag Sameach!